Jack of all trades, master of procrastination
It’s a great description for who I am. I’m absolutely not a master of any of the things I do because I put off doing them as often as I can. I’m afraid of trying cause when you don’t try you can’t fail, you just don’t do and you’re fine. Apathetic in limbo, devoid of confidence. I end up feeling pretty terrible about myself thus making me more skeptical to try again and making it a disgusting cycle of self-hatred and creating nothing.
The root of that as with anything in my life is “doubt”. I know that I have the skills, somewhere in there, to complete any project that I want to. No, it won’t look like a Picasso, but I can do it. It’s this feeling that I expect all my work to be a life changing, groundbreaking masterpiece. But… you cannot reach that level of skill without doing it consistently every single day. I doubt my ability to grow, to really accomplish my dreams. I convince myself that they’re ridiculous, to follow something more conventional; why waste time with something that makes me feel worse about myself when I can live fine without it?
But I can’t live without it.
Weirdly, I feel the same way about the world right now: helpless, insignificant, incapable of being a part of the change. Much like with my painting, I want it to be easy or at least easier than it is. But it is what it is, this is who I am and this is the state of the world. I want my skills to be way better than they are but if I don’t try, if I keep doubting myself, letting the positive parts of me live in the darkness, in the hole with all my self-pity getting more and more discouraged daily, letting my negativity/insecurities win all the time, then I’m going to be at this same level my entire life. Wouldn’t getting a little better in a month be worth pushing myself? Wouldn’t casting my vote and voicing my beliefs at protests help at least in a minute way?
“Portrait of Doubt” is the name of this painting. It is inspired by the song Run Away, MØ.
Trust me, baby star
These things you know in your heart
You go, you go and you’ll lose
You lose so much, but keep up
Trust me, baby star
These things you know
Don’t you ever go cheat on your heart
Ooh, if it leaves you
You’ll be lost in the dark
I highly recommend having an area, however small, for your art and hobbies. Something that I never thought was holding me back from being more creative is that I always had to LOCATE my tools. Giving yourself an extra step when you’re already super annoying about just getting to work is less than ideal. Make it as easy as possible for yourself to sit in a space you feel comfortable, then… just do it. Sit there for hours, even if just scribbling, writing your feelings, copying other artist’s work, doing an easy exercise to get your started, etc.
Start small, build on that. Don’t expect the moon and the stars right away. Remember you used to be this tiny little embryo and it took years for you to grow. If Mother Nature needs time, so do you.
”Oh, my darlin', someday I will run away, run away / And realize that they were always wrongMØWhen I Was Young EP